Today has been sort of a weird day. I've had many days like today through out my marriage. But never have I taken time to really sit and write it out. I'm writing this on my blog so maybe I can get some advise and words of wisdom.
Have any of you been through depression? Depression that you have been in for a lot longer than you think? I'm having a hard time today and I feel like I finally have my "eyes open" This is the feeling I've had before and I wish I could keep it. But for some reason I can't. I slip back into this depression mode where I am mean and I don't think straight. I want to have this same mindset that I have today, everyday. I want to remember things and to be a better person. This is how I see my life...it all started here...(the depression thing)
I remember my wedding day. I remember how excited/nervous I was that morning. Tanner was coming to pick me up and I was so scared that he wasn't going to show up. Our relationship at this time was nothing like what it was when we were dating. When we were dating we had so much fun and enjoyed being around each other. And then I started getting weird and we argued all the time. We even argued a lot on our honeymoon. The next thing I remember is this...
What a great day! I try not to remember my pregnancy because it really was hard for ME. I put ME in all caps because I wasn't as sick as some or didn't really have any complications....but I had other things that made MY pregnancy really hard for ME. To finally have my little girl out was soo great! Time passed and I remember getting so mean and grumpy ALL THE TIME. I would get so frustrated with Kendal, which was silly because she is an amazing baby. But everything just drove me NUTS! I always pictured myself with all my kids having so much fun and being so happy. But I wasn't. I was so stressed and so deep into this depression that I didn't know how to have a good time. Tanner and I rarely had a good day. Always fighting and never enjoying each other. (This is in no way Tanner's fault. Tanner is a great guy. I just expected him to be something he's not, this is what I realized today...this is something I want to remember all the time so that he and I can enjoy and really love each other.) This is what I remember next...
Or now. This is my sweet daughter. She truly amazes me everyday with what she's learning and doing. Today, while having a crying session, my little girl sees me, climbs up on my lap, lays her head on my chest for a while and then looks up at me and gives me the BIGGEST kiss. Why or how did I get so lucky? Why did the Lord bless me with my sweet girl? Why can't I be as grateful as I am right now for her all the time? And another thing...why can't I remember her life!? I look at all my photos we've taken and I remember those days. Maybe that's why I love taking pictures so much! Helps me remember the memory. Is this normal? I feel so lost some times. I wake up and don't know how I go to this point in my life. I look at my husband and some times it's weird to sit and think about us. How do I know him? Why do I love him? Why have we grown so far apart, in comparison to when we were dating? (It's all me...remember?) What have I done with my life since high school. That's the last place I can recall a lot of memories. Volleyball, friends, dance all that. And now I have little glimpses of memories. Growing up is hard. Especially watching my little girl grow up. She is almost 15 months old and it brings me to tears to think she is that old already! Where did my newborn go? I wish I could go back and do it all over. Be nicer, kinder, more thoughtful and understanding. What made me this way? Or is this just life? How do I remember more of life? How do I become a better person? I obviously haven't figured out the answers or I wouldn't be posting this asking for advise. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with a big long list of things to do, that I just end up doing nothing. How do I get out of depression and become truly happy with my life as it is right now? I truly am so blessed with all I have but yet, I am not grateful for any of it? That doesn't work. Does any one have any advise? Have you ever been through this and maybe have some knowledge on what to do?
6 comments:
First let me recommend the postpartum depression article out of the August Ensign I read it and had Matt read it, it showed me what to watch out for. I am no professional on this and I feel the same way as you sometimes. The first thing that came to my mind when I read your feelings was to start from the basics. Pray together, read your scriptures and pray individually. Now Matt and I are NO good at any of those, maybe you guys are which is great! All I know is that when those things are a priority in my life everything works out.
Start taking things a little at a time. Try to think about what is worrying you so much and try to eliminate the problem. Make spending time to yourself a priority. Exercise first thing in the morning to get yourself going. Establish a routine for each day and each week. I just recently started making Monday my cleaning day so the rest of the week I could do fun things even if it is just watching TV. Pick up your house every night so you start with a fresh clean house in the morning. Try to spend time with other people. Go on play dates. Go hang out with Hailie. I'm sure she would love company. I'm not sure what else, but I know you can get through this and figure out what you need to make life more enjoyable.
If you need to email me or call me PLEASE do. I would love the chats as well. I am coming to Arizona a week from tomorrow (Thursday) I would love to meet up with you and meet Kendal and also maybe we could get with Hailie!
Keep your chin up and always smile. Throw a dance party in your living room with Tanner and Kendal.
Emily, I truly do feel your pain. I get this way quite often as well. Dating my husband was a blast...we did things every night...he would hang out with my family and everyone enjoyed his company. While we were engaged things changed because of all of the stress and him and my mom argued some. So then after we got married of course we had a blast on our honeymoons and for a few months after we were married...but now it's like he's burdened to hang out with my family which saddens me. And then I get into the same slump you are talking about...I get frustrated easily. I get irritated and start to wonder how I got to where I am and why things are not the same as when we were dating. Then I remember going through tough times with Bryan...with our two miscarriages and how amazing he was and how close we became for a little while again. And now I am pregnant...ready to pop in a month and I feel like we are so distant again. It really truly is hard being married and growing up. I totally understand and would like answers as well. It's hard to stay happy all the time when there are so many unanswered questions. I wish I had some advice for you, but I am in the same boat. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. And pregnancy really is tough...I cry sometimes just because I am sick of being pregnant. I hope things get better for you and if you get any great advice let me know! :) Good luck and just keep moving forward. :)
I had a lot of that for about a year, while I was in college, after a serious relationship ended and I thought my life just felt apart. I felt lost all the time. A couple of people tried to tell me to talk to my doctor and get on something if I really needed to, but I didn't, for some reason I didn't think that was the right choice for me, although I know a lot of people that it is the right choice for. I leaned on prayer a TON. I still feel it from time to time for a day here and there and have learned that it's me, not anyone else and can usually think my way out of it because of that. Just don't be afraid to ask for help, don't feel weak if you have to resort to taking something for it for a while. Especially with having a baby and all that, there can be HUGE things going on with hormone imbalances. I'm sorry you feel this way and wish there was more I could do to help. Good you wrote it all out, read it when you're having a hard time remembering the things you want. Hope you can find something that helps you.
Em, this brought me to tears. We have become such close friends and I knew you were going through this but I didn't know to what extent. I truly wish I could say something to help you get through it but I have no advice. :[ I wish that you could see you life for what it is. You have an amazing daughter that is so incredible. You have an inspiring Faith in God. And you have a great husband who does his best to keep you and Kendal happy. I know that things arent always perfect and they never will be but you have a great family and I really hope that you start seeing your life for what it is. People would kill to have what you have. Some people are never blessed with a spouse of children or a career that they LOVE. Don't forget that my friend. I love you and I hope that what I said helps a little.
When I read this I thought about the relationship that Michael and I have. It is so much the same as what you and Tanner have. I am very much the same way as you. I get bitter and mean and hate Michael on some days. We never went through our honeymoon phase. After almost two years, we are finally starting to "love" each other like a married couple needs to.
With the depression thing, I have talked with my boss, who is a pharmacist and with Michael as well. I feel that sometimes, we as LDS women feel very overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done. We are expected to be great mothers, loving wives, and all those other labels that are associated with us. We can't do everything perfectly everyday. I like the comments that were left above mine. You do need to start at the basics. Michael and I have been starting small and our marriage has slowly began to improve immensely. If you ever need to talk or anything, just give me a call. 208.716.5663
Hey sweetie. It looks like you've gotten some good advice. A LOT of people struggle with depression. I'm no doctor AT ALL and I don't know how bad your case is, but I do know a few things.
My mom struggled with serious depression in her 20's. My dad tried everything to make her happy, but nothing made a difference until they found the right therapist. She never had to take medication and he taught her how to FIX it... 7 little steps you can do to curb feelings of depression in your life. I can't write them all here, but I can email you if you'd like with the 7 steps and/or the name of the doctor if you feel that's necessary. Just message me on facebook.
I myself have never truly struggled with depression, but I definitely have those tendencies and I constantly have to check where I'm at with those steps. Please let me know if you'd like more info. I love you!
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